


And you'll try to be brave (hidden colours breakthrough)

by rootspring



Category: Call the Midwife
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:00:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27509488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rootspring/pseuds/rootspring
Summary: valerie's an anxious mess, avoiding everyone because of something she won't speak about - but trixie is there, as she always is, to offer the comfort that is needed.
Relationships: Lucille Anderson/Valerie Dyer, Valerie Dyer & Trixie Franklin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	And you'll try to be brave (hidden colours breakthrough)

**Author's Note:**

> me: i'll write a valcille fic!  
> also me: *writes whatever this is*

“Look, I’m just tired, alright? I don’t need you fussing about me,”.

“No, that’s not going to work on me. You’re hurting, Valerie. And I’m not prepared to sit back and watch you feel your pain alone. You know that,”. 

“I know that,” Valerie sighs. She turns to face her friend, who’s still stood in the doorway of their bedroom; still dressed in her midwifery uniform, although they’re both off-duty for the night. “I didn’t want to drag you into it. I can deal with this alone, it’s-”

“-the Dyer way, yes, as you’ve said before,” Trixie says, and Valerie can hear the disproval in her tone. “But we share a room, for goodness’ sake. How long did you think you could avoid me for?”

“Longer than this,” Val grumbles, dropping herself on the end of her bed. She kicks her feet against the carpet, listening to the sound of Trixie slowly padding towards her. She takes the time she has left to breathe, to remain calm, to stay composed. She can do this.

She can talk about… it.

Too late.

Her heart begins to shudder in her chest, her body trembling along with it.

Trixie crouches in front of her but doesn’t reach out, for which Val is grateful. “Oh sweetie, what’s causing you all this pain?”

“I did something, Trix. Something… wrong,”. The word scrapes the back of her throat and it hurts, perhaps more than it should. But it reminds her too much of the wrong that the world has made her out to be for so long. She lowers her gaze away from the blonde, ashamed, and clasps her hands together.

Trixie’s eyes widen, only slightly – in the disbelief, Valerie thinks, (hopes), that would come with the idea of herself doing something wron- bad. Something bad. She closes her own eyes, squeezes them, willing the memory of what she did – and what she continues to do, every time her mind drifts, recreating, reimagining – to go away.

Valerie startles, yanking her hands away as Trixie’s fingers brush against the skin of her knuckles. “Don’t touch me!” is snapped into the room, harsher than she ever means to, ever wants to.

Trixie halts, her hands hovering in the space between the two of them, which feels gaping now, but remains rooted in front of her. And Valerie can see, in the way her friend’s eyes soften, that she understands the outburst.

Val slumps forward. “I’m so sorry. I just, uh – need space,”.

“Okay, sweetie. No touching, we can work with that,”.

The kindness of Trixie feels, all at once, far too much for Valerie. Tears prickle at her eyes, the weight of them pressing at her throat, throbbing, as she refuses to let them fall. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I can’t be sitting here like this, with you looking at me like that,”.

“Like what, sweetie?” Trixie says, unflinching at the venom lacing Val’s last word.

Valerie can feel it dripping in the air, and she speaks uncomfortably now. “You’re looking at me with _sympathy_ , Trix. You can’t. Not once you know. I can’t be talking to you about this,”.

“ _Valerie Dyer_. Whatever you’ve done, I think you’re beating yourself up quite enough without me adding to it. You’re _shaking,_ of course I'm going to be sympathetic - what in all of Nonnatus has got you so worked up?”

An image flashes in Val’s mind, of her own hand reaching out to soft skin and heavy brown eyes dropping to her lips – as a blush branches across her cheeks, she shakes her head to rid herself of her yearning. “Leave me alone. Please,”.

Valerie watches as Trixie thinks over her next move, biting at her bottom lip. “I can’t force you to talk to me, but I do wish you’d consider it. And if not me, Lucille-”

Valerie’s breath hitches, and her fingers bite at her knees.

“-Or Sister Julienne. Just… someone. But you do know, don’t you? That you can talk to me, about whatever it is,”.

“’Course I do, Trix. You’re my best mate, aren’t ya?” she says, with the ghost of a grin on her face.

It’s a feeble attempt to brush over the concern and hide the conversation, and she knows it by the way Trixie gives her one last searching look; just like she knows, in the way that Trixie weakly bites back with “I suppose I am,”, that she’s being let off the hook.

For tonight, at least.

“Oi, what’d you mean ‘ _suppose_ ’? There someone I don’t know about?”

“Oh no, you know Sister Monica Joan very well. In fact, I might just pop off and see if she’s left any pudding for me. Would you care to join?”

Val hums. "How confident are you that there’ll be any pudding left?”

“Not at all,”.

And as Trixie reluctantly stands up from the floor and makes a move towards the door – towards the people and the life Valerie has tried to avoid all week - she realises that this is it.

If she doesn’t say anything now, she never will.

And she doesn’t want to shut Trixie out. Not anymore.

Almost as soon as she’s made the decision, her hand shoots out for Trixie’s – her fingers not quite grasping and –

Val topples forward, her face hitting the floor first.

She grumbles and awkwardly casts a glance to her left, where she’s met with the sight of Trixie stood still, face flickering between amusement and concern.

_This is it._

“You’ll hate me,” she says, breathless, still a tangle of limbs.

Trixie tips her head to the side. “Sweetie, I rather quite doubt that,” she answers, eventually, and loops one arm under Val’s. “But let’s get you up off the floor first, hmm?”

With the help of Trixie, Val finds herself sitting back on the end of her bed – this time, however, with Trixie beside her, one arm wrapped firmly around her waist.

“Is this okay?” the blonde asks.

Val mumbles a ‘yes’.

“And you, are _you_ okay?”

Val doesn’t want to cry – she doesn’t – but the moment the words leave Trixie’s lips, she finds the tears falling quickly after, spilling sadness like rain pouring, pattering against her chest as her heart continues to ache. Trixie sits beside her until the tears subside and the clouds clear; until Valerie has found a shaky bit of peace that she hopes will last through the rest of the night.

She doesn’t want to think about what will happen if what she says - what she admits - changes things. Between them, and everybody.

She knows Trixie thinks she’s ready – but what if she’s not, truly? What if she loses her best friend, her roommate, her colleague?

If she loses Trixie, as all that she is?

Valerie shifts from the embrace, and the arm encircling her waist falls away.

If the peace that she’s found with what is to come is to crumble, she can’t rely on Trixie to catch her; she’ll have to pick herself up and put herself back together again alone.

“Trix,” she whines, licking her lips, and all too suddenly remembering the taste of – “I kissed-”

A sharp inhale of breath cuts her off and breaks her nerve.

Her fingers, which she had begun to tap desperately against her knees, freeze. Val doesn’t dare look towards her friend – she doesn’t want to search Trixie’s face for comfort and find, instead, only disappointment. She daren’t even take a breath, too scared to disrupt the silence that has settled between them. Desperately, she wishes she had joined the nuns in the chapel. She’d take the great silence over this one, any day.

_You’re a Dyer, Valerie._

_Act like it._

She clears her throat, steeling herself, aiming to take confident control of the confession -

And misses spectacularly.

“You know?” is whispered out instead, fragile. The fear planted in the pit of her stomach has grown wildly, sprouting out of her mouth and blossoming into her words.

“Yes sweetie, I know,”.

Val blinks, slowly, in disbelief. Trixie knows. And she’s still here.

_She doesn’t hate me._

“H-how?”

Trixie tsks. “It hasn’t been too hard to guess, Valerie. I’ve certainly noticed, and so has Phyllis. Although she’s had about as much luck getting Lucille to talk as I’ve had with you,” she raises an eyebrow, “which, as you well know, has gone rather poorly until tonight,”.

Valerie’s own eyebrows have knotted together, a frown forming as she mulls over Trixie’s words. “What do you mean – _noticed_?”

“I mean, the two of you haven’t been able to look at each other all week. It’s been rather unpleasant, I have to say. I should think even the Sisters have realised something’s going on, because I’ve been dealing with quite the fretful Sister Francis,”.

“So, Lucille hasn’t – told you – what I did?”

“Not in so many words, no,” Trixie sighs, looking away briefly. The grim sternness that overtakes her features as she glances back catches Valerie off guard. “And Val, you know I love you, and I know you’re scared, but – what you did _was_ wrong,”.

Valerie winces. That blasted word again.

She might be sick.

“So,” Trixie says, “whatever reason you had, Val, be it infatuation, desire or – or _love_. It’s not good enough to justify kissing him-”

“- _What_?” Val chokes out. A laugh, shrill and frantic and borne of panic, bubbles out of her throat before she can bring it back.

“Valerie!” Trixie chastises, “I’m here for you, not because I support what you’ve done - quite the opposite, thank you very much - but because you’re going to need a friend right now. But so is Lucille, she’s heartbroken the poor little lamb, and if you find this _funny_ then-”

“-It wasn’t him,” Val interrupts, sharply. If she’s going to face it, she’ll be dammed if she doesn’t do it head on. She is a Dyer, after all. “It wasn’t him,” she repeats, louder.

As if those three words don’t make her want to head for the door, to disappear from Nonnatus, from Poplar, entirely.

She’s done it once before. Back in the Army.

She could do it again.

But – no.

_This is my home_

So instead of running like she’s so desperate to do, she straightens up and stares defiantly at Trixie, whose jaw has gone slack with the realisation.

A beat passes. And then another.

Valerie has no idea what she’s waiting for. She has no idea what kind of reaction to expect, nor the kind of reaction she wants.

“So… not Cyril?”

“Er - not Cyril, no,” she says, confused. And then immediately grimaces as she thinks about it more, “Not Cyril in a million years,”.

“And… how was it?”

_(Shaky hands, reaching out to smooth over a stray strand of hair, lips quivering in the silence of the seconds passing)_

Valerie shakes her head. “The first thing you’re asking is – that? Not the fact that I’m – and she’s- that I kissed-” she grunts, battling with the one word that clings to the tip of her tongue, refusing to make itself known.

_Why is this so hard?_

Despite the world and its law, the people and its blind hatred – God knows she’s seen enough of it, experienced enough of it – she’s always known herself. Always accepted herself, within herself.

So why not now?

_Just say the word, Dyer._

“-Lucille. I kissed Lucille,”.

_(Her nose brushing Lucille’s as she surges forward, Lucille’s eyes flickering shut as their lips meet, Valerie breathing out a whimper as her heart soars)_

Trixie’s lips quirk in a quick smile, “I have to say, I find it much less shocking than the idea of you and Cyril,”.

Val barely registers the words. Her mind is stuck on a loop, repeating the same sentence over and over: _she’s still here_. Val’s gaze snaps down, watching in a daze as Trix’s hands cover her own. A soft squeeze from Trixie, a small signal that it’s okay -

At that, Val sobers. It’s not okay. “But it doesn’t matter how it was, does it? I kissed her, knowing full well she has Cyril and her faith and I just – I just-”

“Snogged your way through those small details?”

“Something like that, yeah,” Valerie says, laughing despite herself. “God, this is such a mess. I don’t know what I was thinking, Trix – she loves _him_. And he’s a good man, better than most, who treats her right. They deserve to be happy together, white wedding and all, even if I-” she cuts herself off.

She doesn’t need to disclose _everything_ right now, after all.

“Ah, yeah, well, about that- I think, for the time being, a wedding’s off the table,” Trixie says, “I’m surprised you don’t already know something about it, poor Sister Monica Joan has been positively despaired. She’s been rather dramatic about it all. I think she figured herself as quite the matchmaker,”.

Val feels as if she’s holding her breath. “Trixie, what are you saying exactly?”

“They’re no longer together, as Lucille tells me,”.

“What?” Valeria asks, incredulous “When?”

“I didn’t get the exact details, Val, because she politely requested I refrain from asking any questions, but the timing would suggest-”

“-around the same time as the kiss,” Val concludes, head in her hands, “Oh no. No, no, _no_ ,”. She can hear Trixie shushing in her ear, an attempt to settle her, which would be soothing except - it doesn’t work, not when she feels, in her soul, a terrible mix of frustration and fear. “Can’t you _see_? This is _my_ fault! _I_ made her unfaithful to him!”

“Sweetie, I don’t think that’s quite fair. We can’t presume to know-”

“-she’s going to hate me, and I can’t – I can’t live with that, Trix. Not after everything she’s done for me, not with all that I feel for her,”

“Val, listen to me,” Trixie says, quieting Valerie’s fight. “You kissed her, yes, and you can’t take that back. You’re going to have to work through it, and the only way you can do that is by talking to Lucille. Assuming you know exactly how she thinks and feels right now is only going to make things worse,”.

Val groans. It’s not like she doesn’t know that, deep down. It’s just - “How can I ever face her again?”

“I should think with the same bravery it took for you to talk to me tonight,”

Valerie narrows her eyes. _Bravery?_

Trixie interrupts before her thoughts can run too far. “You’re not the only one, you know, who feels that way inclined to women. Not here, at Nonnatus, and not out there, in the world that acts only in ignorance-”

Trixie pauses, briefly. It’s enough time for Valerie to wonder what her friend is talking about, and to understand that it is a discussion for later. Within Val’s chest though, there is an unfamiliar flutter of hope, combatting the loneliness she’s felt of herself since she was a child. Could Trix be like her too?

“-Lucille has been just as alone as you recently, and no doubt even more confused. So, promise me you’ll talk to her?” 

“I hate admitting it, but you’re right,”.

“I always am,”.

Valerie rolls her eyes at the smug look adorning Trixie’s face “And I promise I will talk to her. Just maybe not tonight, eh? I am actually tired now,”

“Of course. I’ll leave you to it. I might even go see if there _is_ any pudding left, after all,” Trixie says, rising from the bed once more.

“This stays between us though, right?”

“Every word,”.

“Alright, thanks Trix. You know, for everything,”.

“Just make sure you keep me in the loop, once you two have figured things out, because I want to know everything,”.

Valerie laughs, falling backwards, stretching out across the space of her bed and revelling in how much lighter she feels. There is one more thing on her mind and, as Trixie turns the handle on their bedroom door, Val lets go of the last niggling bit of doubt that she carries. “Nothing’s ever going to be the same again, is it?”

“No, I don’t suppose it is,” Trixie says, as if it were as simple as that. Val’s chest tightens and Trixie offers a smile, in the way that she always does when her people are in need of hope, “But whoever said that needed to be a bad thing?”

**Author's Note:**

> i love all my midwives and nuns and losing val hurt(s) like a mofo. i hope this way okay and not too Boring, seeing as it's mostly dialogue, but i'm gonna miss their dynamic so much.


End file.
